I find it so fascinating that multiple people requested that I write another blog post..... because they enjoy my writing. I have never considered my writing to be worth anything at all, only useful to myself. And yet, others say such things........ This, will be the first time I have written something without it being required, either for a grade or for my own sanity. So, I rather think I will just be rambling on and bouncing all over the place.
Lately I have been experimenting with meditating. Did you know, the subconscious mind cannot distinguish reality? Through meditation, a person is able with a conscious thought to convince their subconscious mind about some idea. Inception, anyone? It's really so much simpler than the movie. Even without meditation, sustained thought will literally change your mind. Just by holding on to something in your head, you change the way you think. The more you visualize the idea and add emotional value to it, the more accelerated the process. Delightful concept. :)Next thing, my life in general is wonderful. As the beginning of the school year approaches, my emotions vary between joy that I don't have to go to school (just Institute) ;) sheer terror that I'm doing the wrong thing right now, incredible dysphoria that I'm not in high school anymore, complete bliss that I'm not, confidence that even if I am doing the wrong thing it doesn't matter because almost nothing will in 6 months, and love of my current lifestyle which is amazing, by the way. Absolutely fantastic. I love life so much; except emotionally, I'm a train wreck.
When I was a child, my siblings enjoyed teasing me. I never understood why they did this, or why they consequently laughed when I got angry. As I let my anger rage inside of me, I would try to retaliate, but I was never of any significant size to be able to do anything more than annoy them. Also, when I would work so hard at something, spending tens of hours, which is a lot when you are a small child, and receive zero recognition and often dismissal or belittlement, frustrated me to great proportions. Between those two, I came to have unpleasant emotions toward many things and people. This continued for years, and I continued smiling, never letting anyone know beyond the occasional small burst of emotion because I thought everyone was the same as me.*
Around the middle of seventh grade, I decided I didn't like myself with all of this baggage and distasteful thought; so I got rid of it. This is when I learned to shut down every single bit of emotion I had. Flip a switch. Emotions just completely gone. I still don't know how I do it, but something clicked that day and I was able. For nearly four years after that fact, I felt no true emotion, barring four occasions. Those of you who knew me may wonder otherwise, but I assure you I am a wonderful actor. That is all. See below post concerning lying. ;) By then, through to my junior year of high school, I had been...... how shall we put it, antisocial. I didn't talk to anyone at school unless I had to and it was the same at home. I had, through choice, placed myself nowhere. Anyway, during my junior year I let down my walls, mainly due to Karla Zazueta, and became a different person. My senior year, I even let myself be myself for a short time. While this was happening, again I was emotionally ricocheting. I don't have the experience that the average person gains as a teenager concerning emotions. I often feel that emotionally, I'm still a child. Oo. Profound. (This is what I mean by I write for myself. I had no idea this was coming and I just learned something about myself. Fun, huh?)
*The star is for me. Probably my next post.
