Monday, October 3, 2011


Until I graduated from high school, generally my life was laid out neatly in front of me. Sure, I chose what to do with my free time, be it sports, music, studying and the like, but the major decisions were all but decided for me. I moseyed my way through school, learned what they wanted me to and an amount many times that by myself (....oh public school....),  pursued my interests, and had the time of my life every day.  Then it happened. I graduated. Whoop-dee-doo.
Literally, it was nothing. The requirements are ridiculously simplistic. There is so little that we are expected to learn. I've come to realize that I could have gotten my GED before ninth grade and if I had been challenged even lightly to do more during my childhood (instead of the opposite of that which I did receive), I likely could have gotten it before 6th grade or even earlier if I was pushed. (The above contains the major reasons why my children will be homeschooled or have private tutors.)  So much emphasis is placed on that little piece of paper. The world cannot possibly move this slow. And yet it does. :\ Moving on, literally graduation was nothing. Symbolically, it signified complete freedom. The world is mine. I really can do ANYTHING that I care to pursue.
It's this incredible lack of direction from any source that leaves me floundering. Without a love of music and the fact that I KNOW that I have to make music (a passion uncovered mainly due to one Mr. Jeff Harris) I may have curled up and died from overstimulation.... Hahaha. As it were, I just spent most of this past summer curled up around my piano.... :) Nothing has really changed since then except for my perspective. I seek what gives me joy. I let that joy fill me, my life, and hopefully those around me. I have my eyes on what I want and I imagine that I have it. That keeps me going no matter what. I don't let myself doubt, but rather just keep a smile on my face. It's lovely. :D Eventually I'll get there. But, it doesn't matter how long it takes because I thouroughly enjoy every single step of the journey.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


Questions for you. What is time exactly? Does time truly exist? Does the marking of a physical passing of the sun really signify a passing of this concept named time? Or rather, is it just a change in energy manifest in the rotation of our solar system and planet respectively. You may say then, if there is no time, how is there a past and a future? What if a memory is not a distance in time into the past, but rather a point of progression of you. Our perception of time is a societal impression. What do we have that shows us or even describes time? We have memories. Memories of our own and descriptions from others. I propose that rather than a journey through this concept of time, what we really have is an expansion of energy of everything and a progression(also an expansion of energy) of people; consciousnesses, spirits, minds, whatever is the actuality of a person. We know that without expansion we have decay. If this applies to the universe, and as we are a part of it, why not to ourselves? Moving on (I notice I don't dwell very long on a single concept :\ Oh well.). So, we can perceive the present. What is the past and what is the future? What is the past to me are these memories, but what are they? It is a remembrance of what we have done and how we used to be, but does that mean there has been a passing of time? Or rather a progression or development of something or someone? Fun stuff. ;)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Do You See?

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not 'till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares.
Nothing this truth can dim;
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.

This is a poem I discovered in a very random place.

Several very significant times in my life I have studied my past and found trends and subtle pushes that have molded me into I am. Every time I do this, it is a very humbling but also empowering experience. God knows who I can be. All I have to do is continue to do good things and through His help I will be doing the best.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Silly Notions

I grew up wanting only one thing: to please other people. I would sacrifice anything when I was a child for someone else. I didn't know that was extreme. I didn't know I didn't have to drop everything and instantly comply with every request. I didn't know I could say no. For most of my childhood, I thought everyone was the same as me. Imagine if it was so. What a world we would have.
For some reason, I come to the same conclusion periodically in my life. I have this silly reoccurring notion that everyone is the same as I am. And I expect them to act accordingly. But just as often as I come to this conclusion, my world gets shaken quite heavily when I realize it's not true. And it's painful.
You see, I have never felt that anyone I have ever known is more intelligent than I am. Very few would make the list of equaling or even approaching. The case is very similar concerning talent also. Anything I try, I pick up very quickly and develop at a much greater speed than others. I often wonder why I am gifted with such talent and intelligence, but that hurts if I analyze it too long. I hate to talk about myself because it always makes me feel cocky, even this does; but I really needed to make a shout out somewhere. Even if it was only in this remote little place.
The world frustrates me to no end, as people are so incredibly stupid. I wonder how some of them I see survive. Then, I realize they subsist on government money; that is why our entitlements are enormous. Stupid people guaranteeing votes for a guarantee of a lifestyle. It's a terrible one at that. With the number of registered voters who receive government money nearing 50%, we are basically screwed. We know the greatest factor in voter decisions is the pocket, but here is the manifestation of it. When a majority is just going to vote for the person who promises them the most money, *cough* *cough* Obama *cough* I would call that tyranny of the majority. It's just as ridiculous as voting yourself a paycheck. Oh wait. That's what Congress and a huge chunk of voters are already doing. The best proposal I have heard to counter this is to revoke the right to vote from anyone who receives government aid. It's actually quite brilliant. Continuing, I still cannot understand how someone can think that increasing your spending, and your deficit, and your debt will somehow get rid of debt. No one has ever given me a good answer.
How about we give everyone a printing press and just let them print the money they need? Great idea, right? 60% of people think it is. Absolutely ludicrous. Yet, that is exactly what the government does. Ridiculous.

Born to Run

I have always loved to run. For the past couple years though, I seemed to have lost the love of the run and held only to the love of the effects. Recently, I read the book Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. At the time, I thought it was an interesting read, but it didn't really add anything to my running experience. If you have not read it, I highly recommend you do. It will be at least entertaining if not enlightening. I tried occasionally to rediscover the inner child who understands the art of running, but I lacked consistency and effort. Only when I wanted to run and forget would I make an attempt. So I kept to the world's view; you would think that me of all people would remember the world is not often right. I continued to push myself to train and run harder and faster, when all I needed to do was make it easy and lighten up. I would push myself until I was injuring not only my heart, but also other organs, by sending my heart rate into the upper 200's. Yes, not good.
The point is, to truly run, you have to love running. Tonight, I decided I would just start slow, really slow, and just work myself up to speed until my heart rate sat at a nice 180. As I did this, I remembered the book and decided I might as well work on my running technique too. So, I'm moseying along, and after about 2 miles, I realize I'm running faster than I normally do and my heart rate is still only at about 140. So I jumped my speed by about 45 seconds for the next mile, making that one about a 5 minute mile. When I did this, I realized my breathing stepped it up also. And I thought, "Why doesn't my heart rate stay down? I have spectacular lungs, and I'm in better shape than most people I know." Bam. I knew why. I didn't increase my breathing when I increased my pace. Silly, right? I liked to control it and keep it nice and steady. I have literally been starving myself of oxygen. No wonder my heart rate explodes. Trying to cram whatever air it can find down those tubes. Craziness, right? Heart rate. About 150. I consciously increase my breath rate. And I'm running faster than I did the summer after ninth grade, when I could hit 4:30 for a single mile. Faster. I pump more air and my body seems to lurch forward of its own volition. Beautiful. That 4th mile was about 4 minutes. The 5th and 6th I didn't even time, but I was flying. It was incredible.
A line from the book: Easy. Light. Smooth. I was all of those, just floating over the ground.  Perfect form. That was the best feeling in the world. I was moving fast. Faster than I ever had before. The last 100 meters, I roared to the world my extreme joy. Humans are extraordinary. Which makes God that much more so. The entire time I had this goofy grin on my face. I couldn't help it. Magnificent.

Friday, August 5, 2011


I find it so fascinating that multiple people requested that I write another blog post..... because they enjoy my writing. I have never considered my writing to be worth anything at all, only useful to myself. And yet, others say such things........ This, will be the first time I have written something without it being required, either for a grade or for my own sanity. So, I rather think I will just be rambling on and bouncing all over the place.
Lately I have been experimenting with meditating. Did you know, the subconscious mind cannot distinguish reality? Through meditation, a person is able with a conscious thought to convince their subconscious mind about some idea. Inception, anyone? It's really so much simpler than the movie. Even without meditation, sustained thought will literally change your mind. Just by holding on to something in your head, you change the way you think. The more you visualize the idea and add emotional value to it, the more accelerated the process. Delightful concept. :)
Next thing, my life in general is wonderful. As the beginning of the school year approaches, my emotions vary between joy that I don't have to go to school (just Institute) ;) sheer terror that I'm doing the wrong thing right now, incredible dysphoria that I'm not in high school anymore, complete bliss that I'm not, confidence that even if I am doing the wrong thing it doesn't matter because almost nothing will in 6 months, and love of my current lifestyle which is amazing, by the way. Absolutely fantastic. I love life so much; except emotionally, I'm a train wreck.
When I was a child, my siblings enjoyed teasing me. I never understood why they did this, or why they consequently laughed when I got angry. As I let my anger rage inside of me, I would try to retaliate, but I was never of any significant size to be able to do anything more than annoy them. Also, when I would work so hard at something, spending tens of hours, which is a lot when you are a small child, and receive zero recognition and often dismissal or belittlement, frustrated me to great proportions. Between those two, I came to have unpleasant emotions toward many things and people. This continued for years, and I continued smiling, never letting anyone know beyond the occasional small burst of emotion because I thought everyone was the same as me.*
Around the middle of seventh grade, I decided I didn't like myself with all of this baggage and distasteful thought; so I got rid of it. This is when I learned to shut down every single bit of emotion I had. Flip a switch. Emotions just completely gone. I still don't know how I do it, but something clicked that day and I was able. For nearly four years after that fact, I felt no true emotion, barring four occasions. Those of you who knew me may wonder otherwise, but I assure you I am a wonderful actor. That is all. See below post concerning lying. ;) By then, through to my junior year of high school, I had been...... how shall we put it, antisocial. I didn't talk to anyone at school unless I had to and it was the same at home. I had, through choice, placed myself nowhere. Anyway, during my junior year I let down my walls, mainly due to Karla Zazueta, and became a different person. My senior year, I even let myself be myself for a short time. While this was happening, again I was emotionally ricocheting. I don't have the experience that the average person gains as a teenager concerning emotions. I often feel that emotionally, I'm still a child. Oo. Profound. (This is what I mean by I write for myself. I had no idea this was coming and I just learned something about myself. Fun, huh?)
 *The star is for me. Probably my next post.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


The ability to choose.

This is the only thing that we truly control. That is all. Nothing else. These few words are the culmination of every scrap of knowledge I possess. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I know this is true. So many touch on this, but few ever reach it. Millions of books. The entirety of religion. Life itself. All blundering around this: Choice.  Every moment we are choosing. Even to do nothing is a choice. Whether for good or ill consequences, every moment we are choosing.

Not many have grasped this concept fully, but those who do change the world around them. Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi,  Jesus Christ, just to name a few. The list is extensive. Take the founding fathers. "All men are created equal." In what way? Men are unequal in every single way except that each and every one holds the ability to choose. Even before this world began, the difference between Jesus and Lucifer is choice. One would have us choose, the other would not.

Your ability to choose for yourself is absolute. Throughout the ages tyrants, kings, dictators, bosses, overseers and your mother have all attempted to usurp this power, but it always fails. Why? Because you can always choose. This can only be given, not taken.

If we hold complete control over our every choice, and supremacy brings ultimate power, then choices are not only all-important but actually change... everything. The world was created at a word. We hold that same potential. Through commitment, action, choice, we can change ourselves and the world.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Placement Of 'Not'

Sorry, I just caught myself almost doing this in my last post so I had to share. :) Don't be an average person who throws their negatives willy-nilly into their sentences. Take these for example.

If I say:
You are taught to not lie from a young age.              
Taught to not falsify.

This is different than:
You are taught not to lie from a young age.              
Not taught to falsify.

See it? Most people never realize the difference in meaning this makes.

Want to impress me? Speak correct English, or rather, never speak incorrect English. Probably both. ;)
Again, that is another one of those things most people are unaware of.

Is It Really Such A Bad Thing To Be A Great Liar?

Sure, you are taught to not lie from a young age. And yes, society as a whole has a set of morals which include honesty. Yet, there is another inclination that tells us that is okay to lie sometimes. For instance, the universal test: 'Honey, do I look fat in this?' Let's not get into the hidden machinations of that situation though, whether they were meant to be there or not. Instead, we will take a common office setting. 'Hey, did you send that letter to accounting?' 'Umm, yup.' However, it was not, so when the asker leaves, the letter is hurriedly sent. No one ever finds out and no repercussions ever surface. No harm is done to anyone. I propose that lying is much like many other things in that moderation is needed. And no, I am no way condoning lies that hurt or affect anyone negatively. Of course, the above person was just saving their butt at the time, but I think we instinctively lie quite often to protect others and to shape up the world a little bit at a time. I am a very accomplished liar. Yes, I just said that. How then, can I be known as being honest? I would say it is because I almost never tell a lie that would hurt another and absolutely not for personal gain. If not for these reasons, why then, do I tell lies multiple times in a day? Only to protect others and to make this earth a little bit happier place.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Power of Music

Last night, I was in a truck with three other people and the song "Watching You" by Rodney Atkins came on the radio. That was the first time I had ever heard it and I cried the whole time oblivious to the other people in the car. Granted it was dark and they didn't notice. That was good, but those of you who know me must know I hardly ever cry. Four times in my life (in public anyway) that I can remember to date. Now what was it about this song? Well, as I sat there listening, I strongly felt the Spirit of God. It wasn't because of the guitar by itself, or the singing, or even the words. The words read by themselves are great, but only when all of these elements are combined together to be music does it carry the power of God's holy messenger. This started me thinking about how powerful and spectacular music is. Let's just leave it a that. Anyway, I really, really like this song and listening to it over and over. :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Song of the Ocean

Written by Jon Schmidt, this is my recording that I did a few months ago.
Right here. :D

The Future is Ours

 The future is ours.
So back off
Old fogeys,
You’re left in the dust.
We are sending out the old.
Bringing in the new.

You say we
Have bad ideas,
And silly and unrealistic notions.
You say we
do stupid things,
And never think things through.
But take a look around,
And see where you got us.



Who do you know who was lost?
Who was blinded
And confused
In their darkest days?
How many of them have gone because of others?
Could you have made a difference?
If you didn’t try then,
You still can now.
It is never too late.
You can always make a difference;
And even if you cannot see
It changing anything at all,
Nothing is wasted.
You may never see
The effects of your efforts,
But if you try to bring light to someone,
It only makes yours brighter.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Her Eyes

I watch.
I listen.
She seems so strong.
So happy.
She loves her life.
But her eyes.
When I look in her eyes,
I forget.
I forget what I see and hear and fall.
I fall into those eyes.
Into those dark shimmering pools and feel.
I feel so much.
I feel lost.
I feel pain.
I feel sorrow.
I find myself believing the eyes.
The eyes that holds so much.
That hold it all separate from the world.
Her eyes.


You can stand
You can fight
Against the world.
Teachers, students
Enemies, Friends.
You can fight against
What cannot be stopped,
And not accept
The change.
But no matter,
Whatever you do,
You cannot stop change.
It’s going to happen anyway.
But what you can do,
Is whether you let
The changing world
Change you.


We used to run all over the neighborhood.
Flying kites,
Playing ball,
Running amok.
One day we found the tree,
On the other side of the field.
That tree was massive.
Tens of us around and hundreds high.
Or so it seemed.
It took us three days to scale the monstrosity.
Once we gained the summit,
The world became our sandbox,
Spreading out beneath us.
We fought off boarders on our pirate ship.
We stormed the wizard’s stone tower.
We flew through the clouds.
We stood on Mt. Everest.
Anything that we dreamed was possible.
Or on the hottest days,
It could just be our plain old shady treehouse,
That always caught a breeze.


Open the door
And hide away
Then close it off again.
Shut yourself into
Your very own
Safe haven.
The place to where
We run away
To escape
From the world,
Is also where
We learn to fail.
And yet
Still we go
Because we do not
Want to fight the fight.
The most difficult one
Of all of them.
To live well.

I Wrote You a Poem

The other day
I wrote you a poem
And for once I said
What I actually feel.

No longer hiding
What I have inside,
Pouring out my soul
And all of my heart.
But as I finished
I began to falter
Debating whether
To share it with you.
Staring at
The finished product
I tore it up
Just to write it again.

Look Back Down

When he was small,
Just in first grade,
He saw a bully
Picking on another,
But he looked back down.
Later on in life,
Throughout his school years,
Every time he saw the trash
Falling from their hands,
He looked back down.
During an important test,
He watched the two of them
Conniving together,
Cheating their way through,
But he looked back down.
For who or what will we stand?
How much has to be at stake?
Each time we do it,
It gets easier
To just look back down.

English Teachers: and Their Silly Assignments

High school English teachers are the bane of smart children. They are the masters of doling out enormous quantities of busy work. Completely unnecessary, for some of us at least. Here we get to how public schools are so incredibly inefficient. And also how when we are not leaving that one kid behind who doesn't speak English and doesn't care about school, I would rather not be thrown under the bus everyday of school for my entire life. Yes, let's not get into that. So, even though I was in college level courses this past year, (or at least it was supposed to be English 101 and 102) I still did more busy work and colored more things with crayons than I have since 3rd grade. Anyway, I did learn to write much better which is the point of the class, but I will always resent busy work and those who give it. Here was one of those silly assignments that I hate which in the end turned out to be quite meaningful and helped me to understand myself better.

To care or not to care-that is the question:
Whether ‘tis simpler in the end to endure
The curves and switchbacks of having emotion,
Or to altercate with all of the people
And, plainly put, afflict them.
To wall, to block,
-and by barricading emotion end
The distress and the thousand apprehensions
That everyone has
-that is a road
I have walked down before.
To barricade, to feel,
Nothing at all.
Yes, that’s the problem,
For without any of the bad feelings,
That everyone normally has,
We can have no good.
There’s the value
That makes the tangle of life worth living.
What kind of a person would endure all;
The misplaced blame, the stinging remarks,
The hurt of rejection, every injustice,
The contempt of those who don’t understand,
That all channel together to hurt,
When I do it to myself
Without any help?
Who would care a whit,
To cry and groan over painful emotions,
Unless the joys of brighter feelings,
Far outweighed each and every one
Of the aches, or afflictions
So that each of us would accept
Having both ends of the deal?
Thus we see emotion is definitely worth it.
And even though I could easily
Exist without the world of feelings
I could never have great satisfaction
Or experience the feelings of
Love and happiness.

If I Cared For You

If I cared for you
I would do
Oh, so many things.

I would walk with you on moonlit beaches
And we could gaze up at the sky.

I would write a song of what I feel
And play it just for you.

I would dance with you in the rain
And lose myself in your eyes.

I would bring to you, not just one,
But a dozen crimson roses.

And then I would ask of you
If I could take you to Prom.

I would do all this and more
Because I care for you.

This is the poem I wrote to ask for Prom. Oh, memories.


Silence would,
If it ever caught me,
Be more oppressive
Than any sound.

I’m not sure that
I could ever
Consent to stand still
And let him by.

When with one simple deed
I could end my suffering
And get rid of Silence
For a moment.

By making a sound
I win but a moment,
But I can make music

What is Sound?

A transfer of energy.
Moving from particle to particle.

The velocity of the movement
Determining the pitch.

So simplistic
And yet,
A combination of these
And it evolves to a new substance.
One that we call


A transfer of sound.
Moving from person to person.

The feeling of the music
Determining the emotion.

So simplistic,
And yet,
Music is so powerful.