Do You See?

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not 'till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares.
Nothing this truth can dim;
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.

This is a poem I discovered in a very random place.

Several very significant times in my life I have studied my past and found trends and subtle pushes that have molded me into I am. Every time I do this, it is a very humbling but also empowering experience. God knows who I can be. All I have to do is continue to do good things and through His help I will be doing the best.

My Silly Notions

I grew up wanting only one thing: to please other people. I would sacrifice anything when I was a child for someone else. I didn't know that was extreme. I didn't know I didn't have to drop everything and instantly comply with every request. I didn't know I could say no. For most of my childhood, I thought everyone was the same as me. Imagine if it was so. What a world we would have.
For some reason, I come to the same conclusion periodically in my life. I have this silly reoccurring notion that everyone is the same as I am. And I expect them to act accordingly. But just as often as I come to this conclusion, my world gets shaken quite heavily when I realize it's not true. And it's painful.
You see, I have never felt that anyone I have ever known is more intelligent than I am. Very few would make the list of equaling or even approaching. The case is very similar concerning talent also. Anything I try, I pick up very quickly and develop at a much greater speed than others. I often wonder why I am gifted with such talent and intelligence, but that hurts if I analyze it too long. I hate to talk about myself because it always makes me feel cocky, even this does; but I really needed to make a shout out somewhere. Even if it was only in this remote little place.
The world frustrates me to no end, as people are so incredibly stupid. I wonder how some of them I see survive. Then, I realize they subsist on government money; that is why our entitlements are enormous. Stupid people guaranteeing votes for a guarantee of a lifestyle. It's a terrible one at that. With the number of registered voters who receive government money nearing 50%, we are basically screwed. We know the greatest factor in voter decisions is the pocket, but here is the manifestation of it. When a majority is just going to vote for the person who promises them the most money, *cough* *cough* Obama *cough* I would call that tyranny of the majority. It's just as ridiculous as voting yourself a paycheck. Oh wait. That's what Congress and a huge chunk of voters are already doing. The best proposal I have heard to counter this is to revoke the right to vote from anyone who receives government aid. It's actually quite brilliant. Continuing, I still cannot understand how someone can think that increasing your spending, and your deficit, and your debt will somehow get rid of debt. No one has ever given me a good answer.
How about we give everyone a printing press and just let them print the money they need? Great idea, right? 60% of people think it is. Absolutely ludicrous. Yet, that is exactly what the government does. Ridiculous.

Born to Run

I have always loved to run. For the past couple years though, I seemed to have lost the love of the run and held only to the love of the effects. Recently, I read the book Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. At the time, I thought it was an interesting read, but it didn't really add anything to my running experience. If you have not read it, I highly recommend you do. It will be at least entertaining if not enlightening. I tried occasionally to rediscover the inner child who understands the art of running, but I lacked consistency and effort. Only when I wanted to run and forget would I make an attempt. So I kept to the world's view; you would think that me of all people would remember the world is not often right. I continued to push myself to train and run harder and faster, when all I needed to do was make it easy and lighten up. I would push myself until I was injuring not only my heart, but also other organs, by sending my heart rate into the upper 200's. Yes, not good.
The point is, to truly run, you have to love running. Tonight, I decided I would just start slow, really slow, and just work myself up to speed until my heart rate sat at a nice 180. As I did this, I remembered the book and decided I might as well work on my running technique too. So, I'm moseying along, and after about 2 miles, I realize I'm running faster than I normally do and my heart rate is still only at about 140. So I jumped my speed by about 45 seconds for the next mile, making that one about a 5 minute mile. When I did this, I realized my breathing stepped it up also. And I thought, "Why doesn't my heart rate stay down? I have spectacular lungs, and I'm in better shape than most people I know." Bam. I knew why. I didn't increase my breathing when I increased my pace. Silly, right? I liked to control it and keep it nice and steady. I have literally been starving myself of oxygen. No wonder my heart rate explodes. Trying to cram whatever air it can find down those tubes. Craziness, right? Heart rate. About 150. I consciously increase my breath rate. And I'm running faster than I did the summer after ninth grade, when I could hit 4:30 for a single mile. Faster. I pump more air and my body seems to lurch forward of its own volition. Beautiful. That 4th mile was about 4 minutes. The 5th and 6th I didn't even time, but I was flying. It was incredible.
A line from the book: Easy. Light. Smooth. I was all of those, just floating over the ground.  Perfect form. That was the best feeling in the world. I was moving fast. Faster than I ever had before. The last 100 meters, I roared to the world my extreme joy. Humans are extraordinary. Which makes God that much more so. The entire time I had this goofy grin on my face. I couldn't help it. Magnificent.

Inside

I find it so fascinating that multiple people requested that I write another blog post..... because they enjoy my writing. I have never considered my writing to be worth anything at all, only useful to myself. And yet, others say such things........ This, will be the first time I have written something without it being required, either for a grade or for my own sanity. So, I rather think I will just be rambling on and bouncing all over the place.

Lately I have been experimenting with meditating. Did you know, the subconscious mind cannot distinguish reality? Through meditation, a person is able with a conscious thought to convince their subconscious mind about some idea. Inception, anyone? It's really so much simpler than the movie. Even without meditation, sustained thought will literally change your mind. Just by holding on to something in your head, you change the way you think. The more you visualize the idea and add emotional value to it, the more accelerated the process. Delightful concept. :)
Next thing, my life in general is wonderful. As the beginning of the school year approaches, my emotions vary between joy that I don't have to go to school (just Institute) ;) sheer terror that I'm doing the wrong thing right now, incredible dysphoria that I'm not in high school anymore, complete bliss that I'm not, confidence that even if I am doing the wrong thing it doesn't matter because almost nothing will in 6 months, and love of my current lifestyle which is amazing, by the way. Absolutely fantastic. I love life so much; except emotionally, I'm a train wreck.
When I was a child, my siblings enjoyed teasing me. I never understood why they did this, or why they consequently laughed when I got angry. As I let my anger rage inside of me, I would try to retaliate, but I was never of any significant size to be able to do anything more than annoy them. Also, when I would work so hard at something, spending tens of hours, which is a lot when you are a small child, and receive zero recognition and often dismissal or belittlement, frustrated me to great proportions. Between those two, I came to have unpleasant emotions toward many things and people. This continued for years, and I continued smiling, never letting anyone know beyond the occasional small burst of emotion because I thought everyone was the same as me.*
Around the middle of seventh grade, I decided I didn't like myself with all of this baggage and distasteful thought; so I got rid of it. This is when I learned to shut down every single bit of emotion I had. Flip a switch. Emotions just completely gone. I still don't know how I do it, but something clicked that day and I was able. For nearly four years after that fact, I felt no true emotion, barring four occasions. Those of you who knew me may wonder otherwise, but I assure you I am a wonderful actor. That is all. See below post concerning lying. ;) By then, through to my junior year of high school, I had been...... how shall we put it, antisocial. I didn't talk to anyone at school unless I had to and it was the same at home. I had, through choice, placed myself nowhere. Anyway, during my junior year I let down my walls, mainly due to Karla Zazueta, and became a different person. My senior year, I even let myself be myself for a short time. While this was happening, again I was emotionally ricocheting. I don't have the experience that the average person gains as a teenager concerning emotions. I often feel that emotionally, I'm still a child. Oo. Profound. (This is what I mean by I write for myself. I had no idea this was coming and I just learned something about myself. Fun, huh?)
 *The star is for me. Probably my next post.