Direction

Until I graduated from high school, generally my life was laid out neatly in front of me. Sure, I chose what to do with my free time, be it sports, music, studying and the like, but the major decisions were all but decided for me. I moseyed my way through school, learned what they wanted me to and an amount many times that by myself (....oh public school....),  pursued my interests, and had the time of my life every day.  Then it happened. I graduated. Whoop-dee-doo.
Literally, it was nothing. The requirements are ridiculously simplistic. There is so little that we are expected to learn. I've come to realize that I could have gotten my GED before ninth grade and if I had been challenged even lightly to do more during my childhood (instead of the opposite of that which I did receive), I likely could have gotten it before 6th grade or even earlier if I was pushed. (The above contains the major reasons why my children will be homeschooled or have private tutors.)  So much emphasis is placed on that little piece of paper. The world cannot possibly move this slow. And yet it does. :\ Moving on, literally graduation was nothing. Symbolically, it signified complete freedom. The world is mine. I really can do ANYTHING that I care to pursue.
It's this incredible lack of direction from any source that leaves me floundering. Without a love of music and the fact that I KNOW that I have to make music (a passion uncovered mainly due to one Mr. Jeff Harris) I may have curled up and died from overstimulation.... Hahaha. As it were, I just spent most of this past summer curled up around my piano.... :) Nothing has really changed since then except for my perspective. I seek what gives me joy. I let that joy fill me, my life, and hopefully those around me. I have my eyes on what I want and I imagine that I have it. That keeps me going no matter what. I don't let myself doubt, but rather just keep a smile on my face. It's lovely. :D Eventually I'll get there. But, it doesn't matter how long it takes because I thouroughly enjoy every single step of the journey.

Time

Questions for you. What is time exactly? Does time truly exist? Does the marking of a physical passing of the sun really signify a passing of this concept named time? Or rather, is it just a change in energy manifest in the rotation of our solar system and planet respectively. You may say then, if there is no time, how is there a past and a future? What if a memory is not a distance in time into the past, but rather a point of progression of you. Our perception of time is a societal impression. What do we have that shows us or even describes time? We have memories. Memories of our own and descriptions from others. I propose that rather than a journey through this concept of time, what we really have is an expansion of energy of everything and a progression(also an expansion of energy) of people; consciousnesses, spirits, minds, whatever is the actuality of a person. We know that without expansion we have decay. If this applies to the universe, and as we are a part of it, why not to ourselves? Moving on (I notice I don't dwell very long on a single concept :\ Oh well.). So, we can perceive the present. What is the past and what is the future? What is the past to me are these memories, but what are they? It is a remembrance of what we have done and how we used to be, but does that mean there has been a passing of time? Or rather a progression or development of something or someone? Fun stuff. ;)

Do You See?

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not 'till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares.
Nothing this truth can dim;
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.

This is a poem I discovered in a very random place.

Several very significant times in my life I have studied my past and found trends and subtle pushes that have molded me into I am. Every time I do this, it is a very humbling but also empowering experience. God knows who I can be. All I have to do is continue to do good things and through His help I will be doing the best.

My Silly Notions

I grew up wanting only one thing: to please other people. I would sacrifice anything when I was a child for someone else. I didn't know that was extreme. I didn't know I didn't have to drop everything and instantly comply with every request. I didn't know I could say no. For most of my childhood, I thought everyone was the same as me. Imagine if it was so. What a world we would have.
For some reason, I come to the same conclusion periodically in my life. I have this silly reoccurring notion that everyone is the same as I am. And I expect them to act accordingly. But just as often as I come to this conclusion, my world gets shaken quite heavily when I realize it's not true. And it's painful.
You see, I have never felt that anyone I have ever known is more intelligent than I am. Very few would make the list of equaling or even approaching. The case is very similar concerning talent also. Anything I try, I pick up very quickly and develop at a much greater speed than others. I often wonder why I am gifted with such talent and intelligence, but that hurts if I analyze it too long. I hate to talk about myself because it always makes me feel cocky, even this does; but I really needed to make a shout out somewhere. Even if it was only in this remote little place.
The world frustrates me to no end, as people are so incredibly stupid. I wonder how some of them I see survive. Then, I realize they subsist on government money; that is why our entitlements are enormous. Stupid people guaranteeing votes for a guarantee of a lifestyle. It's a terrible one at that. With the number of registered voters who receive government money nearing 50%, we are basically screwed. We know the greatest factor in voter decisions is the pocket, but here is the manifestation of it. When a majority is just going to vote for the person who promises them the most money, *cough* *cough* Obama *cough* I would call that tyranny of the majority. It's just as ridiculous as voting yourself a paycheck. Oh wait. That's what Congress and a huge chunk of voters are already doing. The best proposal I have heard to counter this is to revoke the right to vote from anyone who receives government aid. It's actually quite brilliant. Continuing, I still cannot understand how someone can think that increasing your spending, and your deficit, and your debt will somehow get rid of debt. No one has ever given me a good answer.
How about we give everyone a printing press and just let them print the money they need? Great idea, right? 60% of people think it is. Absolutely ludicrous. Yet, that is exactly what the government does. Ridiculous.

Born to Run

I have always loved to run. For the past couple years though, I seemed to have lost the love of the run and held only to the love of the effects. Recently, I read the book Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. At the time, I thought it was an interesting read, but it didn't really add anything to my running experience. If you have not read it, I highly recommend you do. It will be at least entertaining if not enlightening. I tried occasionally to rediscover the inner child who understands the art of running, but I lacked consistency and effort. Only when I wanted to run and forget would I make an attempt. So I kept to the world's view; you would think that me of all people would remember the world is not often right. I continued to push myself to train and run harder and faster, when all I needed to do was make it easy and lighten up. I would push myself until I was injuring not only my heart, but also other organs, by sending my heart rate into the upper 200's. Yes, not good.
The point is, to truly run, you have to love running. Tonight, I decided I would just start slow, really slow, and just work myself up to speed until my heart rate sat at a nice 180. As I did this, I remembered the book and decided I might as well work on my running technique too. So, I'm moseying along, and after about 2 miles, I realize I'm running faster than I normally do and my heart rate is still only at about 140. So I jumped my speed by about 45 seconds for the next mile, making that one about a 5 minute mile. When I did this, I realized my breathing stepped it up also. And I thought, "Why doesn't my heart rate stay down? I have spectacular lungs, and I'm in better shape than most people I know." Bam. I knew why. I didn't increase my breathing when I increased my pace. Silly, right? I liked to control it and keep it nice and steady. I have literally been starving myself of oxygen. No wonder my heart rate explodes. Trying to cram whatever air it can find down those tubes. Craziness, right? Heart rate. About 150. I consciously increase my breath rate. And I'm running faster than I did the summer after ninth grade, when I could hit 4:30 for a single mile. Faster. I pump more air and my body seems to lurch forward of its own volition. Beautiful. That 4th mile was about 4 minutes. The 5th and 6th I didn't even time, but I was flying. It was incredible.
A line from the book: Easy. Light. Smooth. I was all of those, just floating over the ground.  Perfect form. That was the best feeling in the world. I was moving fast. Faster than I ever had before. The last 100 meters, I roared to the world my extreme joy. Humans are extraordinary. Which makes God that much more so. The entire time I had this goofy grin on my face. I couldn't help it. Magnificent.